“I’ve been thinking about one of our conversations over the weekend. How did that work again? Why is it that men hope the women they meet never change, and that women hope that men will change? Why is that? And why is it (ironically) that women change, and men often don’t? So that men eventually find that they are no longer dating the woman that they met? And — leave?”
That was the beginning of a conversation I had with a very dear friend of mine who recently broke up with his girlfriend.
I think the rest of our conversation is a great insight as to why good men sometimes break up with good women.
Me: So what happened? She seemed like such a great gal. I thought you were doing so well together.
Him: We were. Everything was great for awhile. We got along really well and saw each other a few times a week.
Me: So what happened?
Him: Things started to change. She started becoming really insecure and dependent on me.
Me: How so?
Him: Like if I got busy with work and couldn’t see her one night, she’d get overly sensitive and take it personally. In the beginning, she was understanding and cool with it.
But after we’d been together for a few months, she started to have these expectations about where our relationship was going. It felt like she expected us to be together all the time.
I’m a pretty busy guy. I’ve got my business, my clients who depend on me, my family I try to stay in close contact with, friends I like to see occasionally, riding my bike…
But she just became less and less accepting of any time I spent away from her.
Me: It sounds like maybe she started to feel threatened by the things she thought were pulling you away from her.
Him: Yea, and she took everything so personally. Like if I was working on my bike till late at night, she made it seem like I didn’t want to spend time with her.
But that just wasn’t true. I just wanted some time to myself to work on my bike.
The relationship started to be less and less enjoyable, and feel more and more like work, because we were having so many arguments.
I felt like spending time with her was something that was expected of me, rather than a choice.
I like my personal freedom and I also like being in a relationship. But not if it means I have to sacrifice everything else in my life.
Why is it so hard for some women to understand that just because I’m busy and independent, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about them or want to be with them?
I want and need a life outside of the relationship too. And I wanted her to have one too.
Me: But it sounds like maybe she started to build her life around YOU…
Him: YES, and I hated that.
I started to resent it. In the beginning, she had all kinds of other things to do besides just see me.
Then gradually she wanted to spend all her time with me. Then she started talking about us moving in together and how wonderful that would be so we could be together all the time.
All I was thinking was how miserable I would be, because if I felt this smothered already, what would it be like if we were living together?
I wanted her to be happy. I loved her. But it felt like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough to make her happy and still be happy myself.
So, after a lot of conversations trying to explain how I felt, I finally ended it. I told her I felt like we just wanted two different things.
I don’t want to stay with someone I can’t make happy.
Making the woman in my life happy, makes ME happy. But if I can’t accomplish that without sacrificing the things that make me happy and successful, then I’m not going to be much fun to live with, you know?
The funny thing is if she had just relaxed about everything and not been so attached to making things happen, I’m sure we could have worked it out.
But the way it was, it felt forced and like she was pushing the relationship at me. And that just made me want to run for the hills.
Why did she change from the happy, contented, confident woman I fell in love with to someone who became more and more insecure? Or at least that’s how it felt to me.
Me: We women can be funny sometimes. We’re attracted to strong, successful, smart, masculine men like you.
But then we start to get attached to the future of the relationship and all our insecurities rise to the surface. We start centering everything around the man in our lives and give up the other things we used to do. We start to feel incomplete without a man and worry about being alone. Our fears get the better of us, we start to be afraid you’ll leave and we push for even more togetherness and commitment.
Him: That’s what happened. And it’s so ridiculous because I really had no intention of leaving. I’m monogamous. I like being in a committed relationship.
I was attracted to her because she was strong and independent, yet feminine. I found it very sexy.
But little by little she became needy and dependent, and wanted to control everything.
If you want to push a guy away, that’s the fastest way to do it!
Me: I used to make all those same mistakes. Until I learned that the worst thing you can do when you start seeing someone is to try and control the outcome of the relationship and start having expectations about your partner.
Him: Those expectations are a like a death sentence for me. It takes all the fun out of it, because I no longer feel I’m choosing to be with her, but rather it’s just expected.
And when a woman starts centering her life around me, she changes. She’s no longer the independent, interesting woman I fell in love with, but someone who starts to nitpick at all the little things I do wrong, like not calling or seeing her all the time.
I just wish she could have let go of trying to control everything, both me and the relationship.
If she had just let me have my personal freedom and let ME decide for myself when to see her, I probably would have asked her to move in with me at some point.
But as it was, I felt pushed into something I wasn’t ready for because it was all her idea and she was the one trying to drive the relationship.
I’m a man. I like to do the driving.
Me: I know. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. You’ll find someone else soon. You’re a great guy, you just need a really secure woman.
I’ll write an article about our conversation. Maybe you can give it to your next girlfriend ahead of time, so she won’t make the same mistake.
Him: Hurry up and write the article…
I learned a lot from this conversation I had with my friend. Like how we can unknowingly push a guy away when we think we have the best intentions for the relationship.
The best thing we can do with a strong, masculine, independent man is to let go of trying to control everything and instead let things unfold. Give him his personal freedom, so he WANTS to stay, instead of feeling forced to stay.
Stay focused on making your life happy, and he’ll keep moving the relationship forward… rather than trying to push the relationship along yourself.
Any insights for you?
Post them below and let’s talk about your thoughts after reading this. I’d love know how you feel.
With much love,
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{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
Although I see his point of view there is always two sides to the story. In my experience the man wants to spend a lot of time with “her” in the beginning. Then when we get comfortable he starts backing off to do “his” things. Now he is complaining that she is too needy. Now she starts thinking something is wrong and it becomes a vicious cycle. The problem is balance. If he or she is having a busy week, then be sure to actually think about how to balance the relationship at the same time. If all your “other” engagements seem more important you will lose every time. Granted there is always exceptions … we all have unusually busy weeks. Lastly, the only thing that really bothered me was the sentence that said “have my personal freedom and let ME decide for myself when to see her,” … my comment is it isn’t all about you … she is in the relationship too and should be able to ask for your time when SHE wants to see you. Again, it’s all about balance.
I think you make some really good points. I’ve been in that situation too where I got a tremendous amount of time and attention at the beginning of the relationship, and once the man felt more comfortable, he backed off. The subsequent change was difficult to adjust to and was a large part of demise of the relationship. I felt a sense of betrayal because it wasn’t the relationship I had signed up for. I gave him as much space as he needed after he backed off but it became too much for me and our intimacy suffered. Had I known going into it that our relationship pattern would have been that way, I would not have gone there in the first place. The lesson is that men change on women too.
Hi Natasha,
I agree with you. Men change in relationships sometimes too. That’s why I think it’s so important for us as women to stay focused on our own lives and not make the relationship the sole focus of our lives. We lose our perspective when we do that and start putting up with things that we may or may not have in the beginning.
But if we can let the relationship just be part of our lives, instead of the main focus, if a man starts changing, we can then decide if the relationship is something we want to continue or not.
I think it’s important to be clear about what we want and then it’s easier to let it go, if it isn’t. In the case of my friend and his girlfriend, I think they probably both changed. When she started wanting to get more serious, he started to back away because men don’t like being pushed into something that’s not what they want. She was ready for more, he wasn’t. She had the choice to either accept him as he was or move on. But by trying to change him and the relationship, it made him feel pressured so he left.
You did the right thing in your relationship, painful as it was, at least you found out where you stood and what kind of man you were with. Clarity is everything.
Now you can get clear again about the kind of relationship you want and know that the right guy who wants the same thing IS out there for you!
Stay in touch and let me know how it goes, okay?
Much, much love,
Dawn
Hi Linda,
Thanks for your comments! I agree, there does have to be balance. And my friend admits he is a very independent guy. But in my experience, most masculine, successful, strong guys are very independent. They like their personal freedom. I think the problem was he no longer felt like he had a choice as to when they saw each other because it was just expected of him. And a lot of men RAIL against expectations from a woman, especially in the beginning. Obviously, down the line, when your relationship has become serious and long-term, you’re going to have expectations and that’s when communication is critical. But in the beginning, strong masculine men like to feel like they’re leading the relationship. And if a woman can convey that by giving a man his personal freedom, then she’s got a great chance of him staying around… not because it’s expected, but because it’s what he wants. There is no greater gift you can give a man than his personal freedom. He’ll just want to keep coming back for more because so many women make him feel trapped. The key is to make him feel free so he’ll just want to come back again and again. And if he’s not coming back as often as you’d like, move on to someone else :- ) Because you’re right, it’s about balance and what feels right for BOTH of you. I think the problem can be when we’re reaching out to be with the other person out of our fear and insecurity. And I think that’s what happened to my friend and his girlfriend.
Thanks so much again for your comments!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I really enjoyed reading this article. It really opened up my eyes and I learned a great deal from it too! Very good to know how men think and how us women let our fears get in the way and push men away without realizing it. This was a real eye opener! Thank you so much posting it and making us women aware of our faults and actions. If you have any other articles that we can all learn from, please post them for us. I enjoy learning and growing from situations like these! Thanks again!
Hi Allison,
Thank YOU for your comments. The conversation was a real eye-opener for me too. I remembered how many times I’d let my fears and insecurities get the better of me in previous relationships and end of pushing the guy away… so frustrating! I think the key is to keep our energy focused on our own lives and happiness, so we can stay centered in our feminine energy, which is all about receptivity. Allowing the man to come to us, instead of us moving towards him :- )
Thank you again for you comments!
Much love,
Dawn
I agree with Linda.
I am in a new relationship..he is working on a project, has been long before we met. (he works from home) Our few spats, have centred around me asking for simply a small portion of his time. We don’t even see each other once a week. He wants to control when we do, and even at that, the only time he devotes his full attention is if he at my place, because otherwise his business will come first.
It is terribly unbalanced. But it began like a fairytale! I do get that a strong, independant woman can suddenly seem too clingy and then he feels she is attempting to control his time and activities.
Is it about the chase? Why do we need to appear illusive before he gets it?
It absolutely has to be about balance and respect for the needs of the relationship.
Hi Lynda,
Thank you so much for your comments. I agree with you about the need for balance and respect. It sounds like you may be with a guy who only wants the relationship on his terms. Which is a little bit like my friend was too, although they did see each other three or four times a week and when he was with her, his time was totally devoted to her, because he’s a stickler for devoting his time and energy to only one thing at a time.
But here’s the thing, it’s not your job to make your guy ‘get it.’ Just like it wasn’t my friend’s girlfriend’s job to make him ‘get it’ either. If the relationship isn’t what you want, then leave. The problem is we so often try to make the guy understand why we need to spend more time together. And men don’t usually respond to words. They respond to actions. Chances are if my friend’s girlfriend had just told him she was busy a few times doing her own thing rather than trying to convince him to spend more time with her, he would have done an about-face and realized if he didn’t step up to bat, he may lose her. Men like a challenge. They like to work for want they want and feel like they’ve won the prize. They’re competitive by nature, and if it’s too easy, they generally don’t appreciate it.
So while I don’t think we need to play games, I do think it’s important that we focus on our own lives and happiness rather than making the relationship our sole focus, which is what I think my friend’s girlfriend started to do and it scared him.
And if a guy isn’t stepping up to bat the way we’d like, then maybe it’s time to move on. Ultimately, this is what my friend and his girlfriend decided. She wanted more togetherness, he didn’t. At least not at that point in the relationship, so they chose to go their separate ways.
What I don’t think we should try and do is change the guy. It just doesn’t work. I think we can ask for what we want (more time together) and if he then chooses to just continue on as before, it’s time to move on. Men pretty much show us everything by their actions. We have to do the same. If a man isn’t stepping up to bat, either busy yourself with other things making yourself happy (and don’t wait around for him) if you want to stay in the relationship, or move on. Because he’s probably not going to change. He was great in the beginning because he was winning the prize. Once he got you, and he KNEW he got you, he could stop working for it.
You might want to give him a bit of a challenge. Be sweetly unavailable. Not because you’re playing games, but because you’ve got other things to do and you’re not waiting around for him to see you (you don’t need to tell him that by the way, just do it. As I said, men respond to actions more than words). You might say, “Gosh, I’d love to see you! But I already have plans for that night. Maybe we can make it another night?”
He’ll get the idea loud and clear that you’re no longer waiting around for him to call and for him to see you. Either he’ll step up to bat, or he’ll go back to his project. But at least you’ll find out how important the relationship really is to him. And if it’s not important enough for him to step up to bat, he’s probably not the guy you want anyhow.
You deserve to have a man who’s willing to work for you :- )) And WANTS to be with you.
Let me know how it goes and keep in touch :- ))
Much love,
Dawn
I suspect that I’m older than most of the women reading your blog, so I’m going to put in my two cents. I’ve learned a few things over the years about dating. The most important thing to remember: If you want a great relationship, you have to have a great life ALONE before you can invite someone else to share it. Don’t expect a man to give up his life for you, and you shouldn’t be willing to give up yours for him. If he’s busy – go do something. If you’re busy when he wants to see you, don’t be afraid to tell him and make a date for another time. Yes, there are women who change after they get in relationships. There are also men who change. There are lots of guys who are attracted to strong, independent, self-sufficient women, then want to call the shots for them when they get involved. Don’t change who you are. I always tell men “what you see is what you get”. Be who you are from day one, and don’t try to mold yourself to someone else’s ideal of what the “perfect mate” should be. You’ll eventually tire of being that perfect mate, and the relationship will go south as soon as you go back to your authentic self. Love works best when you’re honest, you’re showing your true self, and you’re living your life to the fullest. No one can make you happy except you. Don’t expect a man to do that for you. That’s way too much pressure to put on anyone. I certainly don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. I have enough responsibility already – don’t give me more.
Amanda, THANK YOU!!!!
You hit the nail right on the head and I couldn’t have said it any better myself. You’ve got it and you covered everything. I couldn’t agree with you more!!!
Your comments should be required reading for every woman out there because if more women understood that they shouldn’t change for a man nor expect a man to change for them and that NO ONE else can be responsible for your happiness except you, there would be a lot less heartbreak.
Thank you so much again for taking the time to write!!!
You very beautifully described what I try so hard to get across to women… don’t live your life for someone else or waiting for a man. As soon as you focus on your own happiness and well-being, the right man will come along :- ))
Thank you again.
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
I know that in the past I have done all of the things he was complaining about, but I agree with Linda that this cycle is not one-sided. He did not speak to his communication level about how he was feeling BEFORE things started getting uncomfortable. I am finally learning that it is important to speak everything and not have unspoken expectations on either side. And many of us (both men and women) are not skilled at that. Even when what needs to be said is uncomfortable, there is security in knowing that everything is out in the open and that both people are in the relationship based on authenticity.
Hi Lori,
I completely agree with you. Unspoken expectations are one of the biggest relationship killers. And I think in this case, it was probably both parties at fault for not speaking the expectations they had about the relationship and the timing of those expectations as well. My friend wanted more time to just let things unfold, his girlfriend had another agenda. The problem is with strong, masculine men it can be very difficult to make them conform to our expectations, which I think is what she tried to do. We’re better off just stating what we want and then seeing what he does and getting busy with our own lives. If he doesn’t step up to bat, then it’s time to move on. I think if my friend’s girlfriend had tried to do a little less convincing with him, which rarely works, and done a little more letting go of him and focusing on her own life, they would have had a better chance of success.
But you’re absolutely right, the expectations need to be spoken, otherwise everyone is just walking in the dark… usually into a mine field.
And I so agree, healthy relationships need to be based on authenticity about who we are and what we want, otherwise we end up hurting ourselves and the other person.
Thank you so much again for taking the time to write!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
If he believed in the relationship, he should have made an effort to show it to her, and make her feel more secured………he didn’t really want to save the relationship, he was finding ways out. When a woman feels loved, she knows that her man is having fun and needs his freedom…….he was either neglecting her…….didn’t tell her what he was doing on time….she had expectations and was upset and started becoming anxious…….if he wanted he could have reassure her and things would work out. If she actually made him realize that it she doesn’t get the commitment feeling in the relationship she would then run and find someone who would actually give it to her……….then he would definitely make the right things and make her feel loved and secured.
Hi K,
Thanks so much for your comments. It’s difficult to know everything that went on in the context of my friend’s relationship, because I know him very well, but I didn’t talk to his girlfriend.
You may be right, he may not have reassured her enough or told her what he was doing, so she would feel less anxious. I think the problem was she just wanted more time with him than he was willing to give at that point in the relationship (they’d been together about 5 months).
One thing I do know is that men rarely respond well to ultimatums, threats or feeling pushed into something. So I think if I would have talked to her, I would have told her to stop trying to convince him to spend more time with him and just gotten busy with her own life. She would have been less focused on him, and he would have felt less pressured. Then if he still wasn’t stepping up to bat in committing to the relationship more, she could have chosen to move on, rather than trying to change his mind. And chances are, by becoming more focused on her own life and doing things that made her happy, she would have become even more attractive to him and he would have wanted to keep seeing her. But I think the problem here was that wanted two different things and they had two different time lines for what they wanted.
Her choice was either to accept him the way he was and wait for him to become even more committed, and spend more time making herself happy. Or as you said, to move on to someone else who would make her feel more loved and secure.
Thank you so much again for taking the time to write!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
I mean, what’s the point of having a man in your life if you won’t be spending lots of time together? Getting in a relationship implies change and if you are not ready for that then stay single. If you are serious about somebody then your life starts to revolve around that person..I’m not implying that you give up your friends, hobbies, etc but rather find a way to integrate that with your new relationship..Life is all about priorities and for me, if a man loves me, he must make room for me. I, for one, can’t wait to meet my soulmate so I can share all aspects of my life with him and learn from him.
Hi Ginny,
I agree with you. I think this came down to two people who had two different time lines for what they wanted. I think ultimately they may have both wanted the same thing, but I think there were a lot of unspoken expectations about the timing of those things and that’s what got them into trouble.
Men can be like rubber bands. They get close to us, and then need a period of moving away and regaining their autonomy. And if we’re reaching out to them during this period of pulling away and not giving them they’re space, the rubber band goes slack and they feel like they have to pull even further away to get their space.
I think that’s what happened in this case. My friend is a very independent, masculine, strong guy and he rails confinement. Although they were seeing each other 3-4 times a week, she wanted more and he wasn’t ready for that. He may have been eventually, but not after the 5 months they’d been seeing each other.
I think the mistake she made was in trying to change his mind and give him reasons as to why they should spend more time together. And of course, the more she tried to convince him, the more he backed away.
If the relationships wasn’t progressing as she wanted it to, rather than try to change him, she would have been better off just stating what she wanted, and then letting him decide if it was what he wanted. If it wasn’t, then she had every right to move on to a guy who wanted the same things she did on the same time line :- ))
Thank you so much again for taking the time to write! It sounds like you’ve got a good handle on what you want, so I’m sure you’re soulmate is on his way… and he’ll be the man that wants to share his life with you in the same way you want to share your life with him :- )))
Keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
Thanks for the advice this morning. I see it from both sides. When the guy I’m currently seeing and I started dating it’s like he wanted to see me all the time, we both did. Now we’ve been together three months and it feels like I have to make the effort. So I understand how the ladies above feel when they say a man changes too, it’s not just us. I think men become comfortable in the relationship so they don’t have to try so hard but us females keep going the way we were in the beginning of the relationship. Now we can’t figure out what happened to the guy, why doesn’t he want to spend all his time with me and that’s when our insecurities come out. I know mine do. I wish a guy would just say to us, “Hey, I like you and dont’ want to be with anyone else.” I guess they just assume we realize this. It’s really hard for me not to pick up the phone and call because that’s what my instincts are telling me to do. But from your advice this morning I’m not going to do it. I guess I just have to wait and see if he calls me……
Hey Renata,
I can’t wait to find out what happened… did you follow through with not calling him?
I think the main thing to remember is we’re always teaching the Universe (and men) how we want to be treated.
Value yourself enough to show the Universe and the man you’re with that you’re worthy of a relationship where he’s picking up the ball and showing you the relationship is important to him :- ).
I hope he does. If he doesn’t, you know what to do… focus on taking care of yourself.
Keep in touch and let me know!
Much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I did take your advice and not call. That was hard to do. But, he ended up calling me. He’s been really great actually. I found out my ex was thinking of taking my kids and when I mentioned this to the guy I’m seeing he took a day off from work, paid for a moving van, and helped me move the next day. I had to go away on a business trip and he offered to watch my daughters while I was gone.
I guess my only thing is I know he’s still grieving his wife who passed away 2 1/2 years ago. He still talks about her alot. Other than that he’s wonderful. I guess all I can do is be patient and let him work through his grieving process. I do believe he loves me but he’s not ready to admit it. I can feel how he feels about me, does that make sense?
Thanks for your advice, Renata
Hi Renata,
Thanks so much for writing and it sounds like you’re doing everything right with this man. I would just encourage you to keep giving him his space to heal while focusing on your own life and continuing to make it great! It sounds like he’s very supportive and truly loves you. As long as you stay focused on your own life and don’t make him the sole focus of your energy and time, I think it will be easier for you to give him the space to grieve, which he obviously still needs.
Just make sure to keep taking care of yourself!
Stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing :- ))
Much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
Well my insecurities came out again earlier this week. I spent all day Saturday with him and both of our kids. We had a great time. Sunday I spent one with my kids but he stopped by that evening to visit. For some reason on Monday I went into panic mode and sent him a text and email. Tuesday the same and I even called 2 times during the day. He came over for a bit Tuesday night and we went on a date last night.
How do I control these panics when I don’t hear from him? I really hate feeling this way and then I get mad at myself.
Thanks,
Renata
I’m glad to see a lot of us have the same point of view here. Amanda, I am 48 so I’ve dated a lot – mostly long term and have been married once. The pattern I’ve seen is how I stated it in my response. It was the sole reason I got divorced. He did not make his family a priority – basically he took me for granted that I’ll always be around when he has the time for me. My current relationship of 2 years, that I’m in the process of leaving, his social life is more important. He wants me to stay home, be the “happy homemaker”, and wait until he finds the time to spend with me – which is very rare. I do not want to be his last resort for companionship. I do agree with you and what you are saying about happiness although there still has to be balance in the relationship which is why I’m leaving the one I’m with now.
Hi Linda,
I agree with you completely. There does have to be balance and you should never feel like a man’s last resort for companionship. You should be his first priority and if you’re not, he’s not the man for you, so you’re doing the right thing by leaving.
Make yourself YOUR first priority and then the next guy will too. We show people and the Universe how we want to be treated, so you’ve done the right thing by making yourself more important than waiting around for him to make you a priority, if he ever would.
Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Amanda, you’re absolutely right. You should be a whole, happy, fulfilled person before a relationship. No one should have to give up their lives for anyone else. I think the ideal is when two people come together and blend their lives with measures of togetherness and independence. After all, no one wants to feel the weight of being responsible for another person’s happiness. However, I have found that many times men are less willing to make space to accommodate the relationship than women are. There is a slot titled “girlfriend” into which you are to fit, and everything else is supposed to remain the same for them. I don’t think it’s supposed to work that way. The problem is you usually don’t know that this is their relationship model until you’ve been in it for a few months and suddenly things change. I identify with having been the woman in the article. But I didn’t suddenly go crazy and become clingy and insecure. It was triggered by the man putting distance between us. Communication is key. Simply having someone explain their actions and thought processes would take most if not all of the stress out of the situation. As someone said, there are always two sides to the story.
Hi Natasha,
You’re right, communication is key. Or course some men are more capable of that than others, but that’s also key. Choose the man who knows how to communicate and is willing to do so. That alone, solves a huge part of many of the problems in relationships. It takes two to communicate and who have the emotional maturity to do so. That’s the guy you want!
Blessings again and thank you so much for sharing!
Dawn
If he likes being monogamous, then why not marry her? It would make her feel more secure about the relationship and she could continue being independent and pursue her interests and stop being clingy.
Hi Suz,
I think my friend may have gotten to the point of wanting to marry his girlfriend eventually, but it was far too soon in the relationship for him to even consider this since they’d only been together for about 5 months. But it really shouldn’t take getting married in order for a woman to be independent and stop being clingy. In fact, the clingy behavior generally is what pushes men away, so better to be independent from the get go and then let the man figure out that he wants to marry you so he can keep you around :- ) I think if my friend’s girlfriend had been more secure about herself and the relationship, my friend would have stuck around. As it was, her insecurities are what drove him away unfortunately.
Thank you so much again for sharing!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Suz, I don’t think that would have been a good solution at all. Instead she would have become even more possessive and controlling as she would then feel she had absolute ‘rights’ to him. I am 32 and unmarried, but like a lot of the older commentators on here, it must be recognised that a woman should feel happy, whole, confident, content and completely responsible for her own happiness before inviting another person in. Otherwise, for the ‘needy’ woman, at the first hint of comfort and affection from her man, she will need it like a drug feeding her own emptiness that she never managed to fill for herself, spiralling her into a possessive and controlling woman whose happiness depends on that of what a man ‘gives’ to her. Not fun. Not healthy. Fill up your inner ‘emptiness’ first, with passions, hobbies, spiritual centering and psychologically healing. Finally one will realise that they do not actually ‘need’ a man, but if a man comes along for the ride – then great :-) I finally arrived at this place approximately 2 years ago, and since then I have been beating them off with a stick. No joke. Happiness starts from within, not from an external force. Neediness, jealousy, clinginess, possessiveness would make any decent man head for the hills. It’s just the way it is. So learn to be healthy and happy inside so you can ward off those toxic emotions.
Brilliant Angelica! I couldn’t agree with you more! My next post is about exactly what you’re saying… be happy first, THEN the guys will come after you like crazy!
You’re young and have already figured this out so I expect you’ll have very few problems in the future… bravo, darling girl!
Thank you so much again for sharing… I couldn’t have said anything better.
Please stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing… many more women can learn by your awesome example!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
Many thanks for your support of my post, and being a general blessing and inspiration.
Relationships is one of the few things that they provide a guidebook of instructions for. A lot of it is trial and error. I first noticed in my twenties that the men would come flocking to my side pretty much the minute I said: “I’ve had it with men!” but not just said it, meant it, and that’s a huge difference. That was my first sign of what worked, and what doesn’t. When I wanted a man, they would never appear. Finally I just put some faith and trust into the universe and God that I would be fine no matter what, as I was, whether alone or not. And that’s when the sun began to shine for me. Now it’s me doing all the choosing, being very selective and picky with a whole bunch of suitors that just keep on coming my way :-) Happiness and confidence really starts when you don’t just talk about it, but when you actually start to believe it – that you are fine alone, you can stand on your own two feet and don’t depend on another human being for your internal happiness. Thanks again, Dawn!
Love,
Angelica xxo
Ah, Angelica! Thanks so much for your wonderful message! You’ve discovered all the great secrets to men and having a great relationship… brilliant! You’re an amazing girl and I’m thrilled you’ve found all this out so early on. The rest of it will be easy for you and when you’re ready, you’ll find exactly the right guy for you because you already know how to attract men with ease.
Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re going to not only have a really great love life, but a really great life because you’ve got it figured out.
I’m proud of you, girl!
Stay in touch… your messages are an inspiration to many other women out there who haven’t quite got it all figured out yet :- ))
Much, much love,
Dawn
I’ve been reading all the comments and have learned a lot. But I do have a general questions about the whole dating “ritual”. I have long hours for work and limited free time. When I date, I date one person at a time … I just don’t have time to do otherwise and if I am interested in the person, I want to get to know them. Most men I meet want to date “multiple people” and I just have a problem with that. How to I balance this – it always seems so one sided.
Hi Linda,
Thanks for your message. One of the benefits of dating more than one person at a time initially is that you don’t get so wrapped up in a guy right off the bat until you know if he’s interested in a monogamous relationship, which is exactly the problem you’re having right now by dating only one person at a time. But I understand the dilemma of not having enough time to date more than one person. However, since you’re already busy, this is a case where you’re just going to have to be very secure within yourself and not place your expectations on the guy you’re dating. When you feel so good about yourself that you know you’re a terrific catch for any guy, then it won’t bother you if a guy is dating other women because you know if he’s the right guy for you, he’ll realize how valuable you are.
But first you have to feel that valuable yourself. Then it’s easy to give guys their personal freedom because the right guy for you will know what he’s found and come to the conclusion all on his own that he wants to see only you.
Your job is to give him that time and freedom to figure that out on his own by staying in your feminine energy and focusing on your life, while he’s going through the paces of deciding if he’s ready to be monogamous.
Keep it light. Be available when he calls, but not at the last minute. Be a great date and he’ll realize you’re much more fun than anyone else he’s seeing :- ))
Hope that helps and keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing!
Much love,
Dawn
Thank you – this really made sense to me. I’m no way ready to date, I’m just reading everything I can to improve me :)
Hi Linda,
You are more than welcome and you’re doing exactly the right thing. You’re laying the groundwork now, so when you are ready, you’ll know what to do and be able to take your time.
Blessings and much, much love,
Dawn :-)))
Hi All
I am just wondering that some of my good friends are always spending their times with their men and the men do not seem to be annoyed even the men are looking fwd to spend time with them which make me feel so jealous hahaha, just kidding coz my man did not wish to spend time with me and found out that he spent time with another woman :(, wondering and wondering….why are they so lucky and I am not?
Hi Angel,
I don’t think it’s why are your friends so lucky and you are not. I just think you need to choose a different guy. One that WANTS to be with YOU, and not with another woman. So often we tend to think that love is just luck, when it actually starts with us valuing ourselves first so love can then find us. If you don’t value yourself enough, you’ll put up with a relationship that’s less than you deserve… like with a man that’s spending time with another woman, not you. Start by valuing yourself enough to know you deserve better. From that place, you’ll find a man who feels the same way about you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated… then you’ll be the lucky one :-)) If this man isn’t respecting you and appreciating you enough, then it’s time to let the relationship go. Move on, so love can bring you the right man who will love and appreciate you the way you deserve to be treated.
Blessings for the New Year and much, much love,
Dawn
I read the article above and I have encountered a similar situation. I am someone who really loves space and freedom. As far as the man being the only driver of a relationship, I find that to be an imbalanced relationship. There are two drivers in any healthily balanced relationship – that is compromise. However, as people we do need to be able to accept the other person and make sure that he/she is someone whose faults and virtues we can live with. Also, we learn to adapt to the other person if they are someone worth pursuing a relationship with. But changing or trying to change someone causes problems. A change ultimately comes from within and it is usually the result of deep inner reflection and realization. Otherwise, we can expect the other person to go through a repetitive, behavioral cycle.
Hi Mn,
Thanks so much for your comments and I agree with you. Changes must come from within and not because we’re trying to change ourselves for the other person, but because we want to change for ourselves. Men do like to feel like they’re in control of where a relationship is going but that doesn’t mean a woman shouldn’t make it clear what she ultimately wants in a relationship. It’s just that most men don’t want to feel like someone else is directing where they’re going, especially in a relationship with a woman. As long as a woman lets a man know what she wants and then doesn’t try to control his behavior or actions and let’s him decide what he’s ready for (or not) in the relationship, then she also gets to decide if he’s what she wants if he’s not stepping up to the kind of relationship she wants. Where we get ourselves in trouble is in trying to force the other person to be in the relationship WE want when it may or may not be what they want… communication is key :-)
Thanks so much again for writing and please keep in touch!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
I just stumbled on this web page because I was looking for info to help a friend but it ened up helping me because I am in a relationship with a very succesful business man and I really like him I want to text him and talk to him all the time but he is not available and I have to stop myself and remember to let go and let things just take there course, I feel like I am out of control if I do not controle the relatinship and have that contact but I know that he likes me and that he does want to see me, so I am learning about myself and how to be in a healthy relationship with him, this article really helped me to see that I need to let him make the call and text and just give up that control for once in my life. I will wait for him to contact me so I do not push him out of my life. Thank you for sharing.
Beverly
Hi Beverly,
Thanks so much for your message and I’m so glad my article helped you.
Stay focused on yourself and your own life and it be easier to just let your relationship unfold :-)
I know you can do it!
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
I’m so glad I stumbled across this site. I’m in the same boat as Renata and I can use any advice I can get. I’ve been in three relationships right now and they’ve all ended the same way. I become clingy and needy, the guy takes advantage and becomes distant, the guy runs away. I received a full scholarship to go to grad school and I’m above average when it comes to looks so I know I have a lot going for me but I can’t seem to get out of this cycle. Its a little bit like watching myself become needy, knowing I’m becoming needy, and not feeling like I can change. Advice on how to change I could use help with. All my relationships end the same way and every time I start dating a guy I really like, I know its heading in that exact same direction. I’m frustrated because I’m about to lose a really good-hearted guy who I think really likes me but is leaving for the same reasons as stated above.
Hi Kristen,
Thanks for your message. You’ll find lots of support on my blog in my other articles to help you overcome this challenge.
My best advice is for you to start focusing on your own life so you can feel more secure about yourself.
The truth is when we have a really great life going on and feel good about ourselves, we’re less likely to start putting all our attention on the guy in our life and become needy, clingy and dependent.
You might want to also check out Nathaniel Branden’s book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, which I have listed on my Resources Page
You can learn to be confident and secure in your relationships, it just takes doing the work on yourself and re-learning some new habits so you can get rid of your old patterns :-)
Focus on making yourself happy first so you’re not looking externally from the guy in your life to make you happy. That way you won’t be pushing him away by being clingy or needy because you’ll already be happy in your own life.
Make sense?
Take good care of yourself… you can change this unhealthy pattern so you can find a great guy who will want to stay with you :-)
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hi Renata,
Dear heart, you control the panic attacks by making yourself wait to call or text him. Send the text or email you’d like to send him in an email to yourself. Write down what you’d like to say to him over the phone in an email and then send it to yourself. Just get it out of your system and find something else to focus on until the feeling passes. Write, go for a walk, take a bath, work out, pick up a good romance novel or some other inspiring book, like Eat Pray Love. The main idea here is to focus your energy on yourself instead of him. The more your energy keeps moving towards him, the less space you’re giving him to move towards you. Stop holding on so tight to him and put that same energy towards your life, dear one.
Much love,
Dawn
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