Thank you for all your comments on my last post, Why Good Men Leave & How To Keep It Happening To You.
I love getting your responses and it reminds me of how lucky I am to have such brilliant and intelligent readers.
I appreciate you all so much.
I did respond to each of your comments, so if you left a comment and want to read my response, just click here.
Your opinions really went from one end of the spectrum to the other.
I could relate to them all, having been in almost every position myself at some point or another in my life.
When my male friend said he broke up with his girlfriend, because she changed once they’d been together for a few months, I started remembering the ways I used to change once I got into a relationship with a man.
I spent a good number of years needing a man to validate me and make me feel loved.
As long as I had a man and a relationship, I felt good about myself.
But that need to have a man in my life didn’t do such a great job of sustaining relationships.
It took me a long time to learn in order to have a great relationship with a man I first needed to have a great relationship with myself.
Here’s what I discovered…
When I stopped trying to build my life around a man…
Realized having a great relationship was only a PART of having a great life…
Stopped basing my happiness on men and my relationships, or lack thereof…
My life shifted drastically… for the better.
I no longer gave up everything else the minute I got involved with someone.
I no longer made the man I was seeing the sole focus of my life.
I no longer needed a man to make me feel complete.
I loved having a man in my life, but I didn’t need him to make me happy.
I was already happy.
Here’s what was fascinating.
The less I needed a man in my life, the easier it became to attract men.
There is nothing more magnetic to a man than a woman who is happy, secure and confident in herself and in her life.
This is the art of feminine energy.
By staying centered in my feminine energy and letting a man be a part of my life, I learned I could give a man his personal freedom, without feeling needy, insecure or desperate.
Giving a man his personal freedom required not only that I trust the man, but also that I learn to trust myself.
I trusted if the man I was with didn’t step up to the kind of relationship I ultimately wanted, I could let him go.
There is no point in trying to change a man, or convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do.
It just doesn’t work.
You end up with a man who either leaves, or resents the relationship because he feels pushed into doing something.
Leaving was the option my friend chose when he felt his girlfriend was pushing for more than he was ready for and starting to depend on him for her happiness.
Men don’t want to be totally responsible for a woman’s happiness.
They want to be part of what makes her happy, definitely.
Good men love to make women happy.
But they don’t want to be the only thing responsible for her happiness.
It puts way too much pressure on the relationship.
Being happy in my own life was the key to sustaining a great relationship with a man, because it allowed me to let go of my fear and insecurity.
When my fears and insecurities were running the show, I was doomed. I would try to control the man and the relationship, so I’d feel more secure and better about myself.
But the truth is nobody can make us feel better about ourselves.
We have to do that on our own.
But once we do, the world of good men and great relationships completely opens up to us.
You deserve to have the man and relationship you’ve always wanted.
It starts with you feeling good about yourself.
KNOWING in your heart you deserve a great life AND a great relationship.
Now go get going on that amazing life of yours and KNOW your really great guy is on his way to you.
Here’s a special comment I wanted to share with you from a woman who has learned this lesson well. :- )
Hi Dawn,
Many thanks for your support of my post, and being a general blessing and inspiration.
Relationships are one of the few things that they provide a guidebook of instructions for. A lot of it is trial and error. I first noticed in my twenties that the men would come flocking to my side pretty much the minute I said: “I’ve had it with men!” but not just said it, meant it, and that’s a huge difference. That was my first sign of what worked, and what doesn’t. When I wanted a man, they would never appear. Finally I just put some faith and trust into the universe and God that I would be fine no matter what, as I was, whether alone or not. And that’s when the sun began to shine for me. Now it’s me doing all the choosing, being very selective and picky with a whole bunch of suitors that just keep on coming my way :-) Happiness and confidence really starts when you don’t just talk about it, but when you actually start to believe it – that you are fine alone, you can stand on your own two feet and don’t depend on another human being for your internal happiness. Thanks again, Dawn!
Love,
Angelica xxo
Leave me a comment below and let me know what your thoughts and feelings are… I’d love to hear from you!
With much love,
Download Your Exclusive Free E-Book and join me in our continuing conversations about Love, Relationships & Life
{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, my “let’s get together when I have time” guy, is likely just going to remain a friend. He still is working on his site.. I ran my dramas about us every couple of weeks or so.. until we finally agreed to just be friends. Now i do realize for him, this is his way of keeping me around if and when things change for him. The difficulty for me, is that he managed to really touch my heart. He gets me. I get him, unlike any other woman has. But I am moving on. And if I am still unavailable if he can stop running from love… then who knows?
I do have a question though. Perhaps someone should write about “How to Keep a Good Woman from Leaving.”
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for your message and I definitely think you’ve done the right thing. With men, if there are real feelings of love, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If there aren’t, then they’ll just move on. I think your idea of an article about how to keep a good woman from leaving is a great one! I’ll pass it on to my friend who’s a dating coach for men :-))
Believe me, there will be another man who will ‘get’ you and that you will ‘get’… only this time wait for the guy that’s really ready for a relationship and let him show that to you before you get involved. Take your time :-))
Much love,
Dawn
Dawn,
I just want to say thank you! It seems everytime I open one of your wonderful articles, it addresses what I seem to be going through. You and the women that share their wisdom have helped me so very much.
Love and Light,
Paulette
Hi Paulette,
Thank YOU so much for sharing. I’m so glad my articles and the other wonderful women who have shared here have helped you :-))) It helps to know you’re not alone… and you’re not.
Stay in close touch :))
Much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I just wanted to say that I feel honoured and proud that you featured my message in your blog as an example of a woman who has learned well :) Thank you.
I have learnt so much through dating loads throughout the last decade, to the point of weariness. I still haven’t found my ‘mr right’, but I am at least managing to ‘retain my own’, stay on my compass, and not settle for second best – in treatment or otherwise. Good things come to those who wait, is a worthy phrase. It is my belief that in relationships, women should learn to walk the ‘road less travelled’, that is to walk the road alone until something genuine and soul-affirming comes along (which it will, but only with patience). Something that leaves no room for doubt in the hearts of both parties. There is too many women ‘clinging’ to dysfunctional relationships, or relationships that have soured beyond repair from time ago, they are, for want of a worthy phrase, ‘flogging a dead horse’, wringing the last droplets of life out of a flagging and dead relationship, or accepting crumbs, all because they don’t want to be alone – completely alone. Their ego is hungry and needs to be constantly satiated by another human being instead of finding inner fulfillment within themselves. I find it sad, because then they wonder why they can’t sleep at night, and why they become crazy and obsessed over that person. Let it go! Breathe, stop acting obsessed, it’s too much energy that doesn’t need to be consumed…I think the book ‘he’s just not that into you’ is a must-read for every woman, and as soon as a woman’s daughter is of dating age, the book must be handed down to them :)
The other little tip that was the best one I had heard in some time, came from a Singaporean lady who really seemed to have such power in relationships. She said that one of the most powerful indicators of a successful, long-term relationship is if the guy likes the girl slightly more than the girl likes him. I find this to be so true, in observations, real life cases and general experience. Too often the average girl goes for the very cute and popular guy that barely pays her an inkling of attention, hoping one day she will conquer him, and all he ends up doing is running rings around her, ignoring her or taking her for granted. If a woman wants to be put on a pedestal, she generally has to accept somebody slightly below her parr, somebody she is attracted to still, but ignites something in him which makes him want to work for her and put her on a higher level of respect. Some may disagree, but these are just my thoughts for now…
Love and blessings,
Angelica xxo
Hi Angelica,
Bravo, dear heart! You’ve got it figured out :-))
It was truly my pleasure to feature your comments as part of my blog post.
Thank you so much again for your comments and for your heartfelt thoughts.
I’m thrilled to have you comment on my blog as often as you like and so happy and grateful you’re one of my most brilliant readers :-)
With love, blessings and appreciation,
Dawn
Hello,
Sorry I just could not help but respond to this. Why are we “settling” for anyone who is not an equal? Have we not come further than this in the year 2011?
I very much disagree with some of the comments.
I am still waiting for “what make a good woman leave?” I will send that to my “all things take time” guy who wants a relationship all on his terms.
Lynda
Hi Lynda,
Thanks so much for your comments and I appreciate what you’re saying. I think we can be with an equal partner and should be, but I think what Angelica is referring to is we see so many women who put more value on the man and the relationship than is reciprocated and it results in a very uneven and unequal relationship. I’m sure you’ve seen this as well. Men value what they have to work for and if a woman doesn’t place enough value on herself to be seen as a valuable commodity, the man won’t place any value on her either.
I’m not talking about playing hard to get, but I do think a woman needs to be involved enough with her own life that she’s never sitting around waiting for a guy. If she is, she either needs to find a new guy or get a life going for herself.
Way too many women let the relationship be determined by the man they’re with rather than having their own standards and then determining whether or not the man they’re with is the right one. As women, if we find a guy we like, we have a tendency to forget about valuing ourselves and our desires enough and tend to settle for whatever the guy is willing to offer.
Why not see what the guy is willing to offer and if it’s not up to your standards and what you want, let him go and move on?
I think that’s all Angelica was trying to say.
We sometimes build our lives around men who may or may not be worth it. And men pretty much show us who they are by their actions. Everyone shows us who they are by their actions. And we teach people how to treat us by our actions and what we’re willing to put up with. So if we’re willing to put up with crumbs, then that’s what we’ll get, crumbs. But if we’re willing to hold out for more and not settle for crumbs, and be happy with our lives in the process, then we’ve got a good chance of attracting what we want.
If a relationship and a woman are important to a man, he’ll make her important in his life and put forth the time and energy it takes to make the relationship work. Especially if he knows that if he doesn’t, he’ll lose her because he knows she’s a valuable woman.
Unfortunately, a lot of women tend to hope that a man will change. That he’ll somehow start to value her and the relationship if she just does more, or is more understanding, or waits until he has more time.
It doesn’t work that way. If men value something, believe me they’ll find the time and energy to devote to it.
Ever seen a man who’s an avid sports fan? He’ll move heaven and earth to be able to watch the games that are important to him.
And that’s what you want in a partner. A man who will move heaven and earth in order to be with you and make you happy.
And that’s also exactly what you deserve :- ))
No apologies necessary. I love getting your comments and hearing from you, so PLEASE keep them coming!
Blessings and much, much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I stumbled upon your blog and it’s just what I needed..Thank you.:)
I just wanted to ask you what if the man who would move heaven and earth in order to be with me and make me happy is not what I want, what do I do?
Hi Elyon,
Thanks so much for your message and I’m so glad to have you as one of my readers.
If the man you’re with is not a man you’re truly in love with, you owe it to him to let him go so you can both find the right people to be with :-)
But I would also encourage you to make sure you’re not making an impulsive decision and make sure you truly don’t have feelings for this man as sometimes we overlook love with our own expectations.
If you know he’s really not the man for you, then set him free so he can find a woman who’s truly in love with him and you can find the right man for you :-)
Love and blessings,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
Thanks for your reply….
Fortunately we are not together. I made myself clear to him from the beginning and he knows that I don’t like him the way he does but that doesn’t stop him from pursuing me. I don’t want to hurt him and if I tell him off, I am going to lose his friendship. He knows about my past and he accepts me for who and what I am. BUT, I don’t have feelings for him.:(
Regards,
Elyon
Hi Elyon,
Thanks again for your message. Trying to maintain a platonic friendship with someone who has romantic feelings for you who you don’t feel the same way about is next to impossible. You will be keeping him ‘on hold’ hoping that your friendship will develop into something more. It’s not really being fair to him because he’s going to hold out hope that you’ll change your mind and continue to pursue you. And then when you do find someone else, it will break his heart anyhow. I’d say tell him that since you don’t feel the same way about him as he does about you, it might be a good idea to give your relationship a break for the time being until you’re both seeing other people. Then you’ll be able to come back together as friends without there being any romantic illusions on his part because he’ll already have someone else in his life. If you want to be fair to him, let him go and find some other friends so he doesn’t keep waiting for you to change your mind.
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
There is another guy in my life, who, I wish would want to move heaven and earth for me. He told me from the start that he is not looking for a commitment due to religious issue. (He is a muslim and I am a christian). I have been seeing him on and off for less than a couple of months and on impulse and out of fear, I told him that it would be best if we do not see or contact each other again as I started to have strong feelings for him. He seemed sad when I told him this. He told me that he will always be there for me whenever I need him. And then, 3 or 4 days after this goodbye, he called me up and told me that he missed me and wanted to come over. Since, I missed him, I could not bring myself to deny him. And so we met that day and we were both happy. The next day, I expected him to send me a msg or give me a call but there was no sign of him. So, I deleted his contact no as I was afraid that I would not be able to keep myself from calling him. It’s been two days now since that night. I am wondering what the hell is going on and what I should do next?
Need help!
Love,
Elyon
Interesting! My elusive guy (still working on his website) does call more often and emails.. but I had to set the parameters, and went deep inside (as I truly believe he is my twin flame) and came from that place with even more love for him. Unconditional love, with no expectations. He will almost certainly be only a friend, and I have made that OK.
However, back in November I met another man. A very romantic, spiritual man. Who is so smitten with me. And not my usual “bad boy” type. I am only 5’3″.. He is my height. That in self would be enough for me to be uninterested.
We had dinner a few times, then he was so physically attracted he made a “pass” that was inappropriate. He will never forgive himself for that, but having grown up a Catholic with a wife who was not demonstrative… I think he just simply went back to the smitten teenage years.. for a few minutes.
We took steps back but did stay in touch.
He is where your friend is Elyon.
He would move the earth for me if I was in a relationship with him. And as “open minded” (with New Age beliefs, etc.) as my other guy says he is, this one is completely non-judgmental of my beliefs and life.
But I don’t feel the chemistry he does. And he is doing the same thing. He is very persistent, and will keep trying as long as I even agree to have a coffee with him!
I am keeping an open mind though, because my history with men has been to fall for the guy who is so not the best for me, although the lessons were phenomenal.
My feeling is that neither one of these guys is “the one” but they both became more “present” the more I stepped back. Interesting stuff… this relationship building.
Elyon,
I felt moved to respond to you. If you can, let it go. Send it into the light and your compassionate heart. I know about where you are. As soon as you let it go.. you will be presented with clarity. The more you hang on..the tighter it will feel, and the more he will feel resistance. And allow yourself to make it ok if he isn’t “the one.” And he might show up to be “the one.”
In love & light,
Lynda
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for your message. I will take your advice and let it go for now and wait for him to contact me again. If he doesn’t, then I will just have to accept the fact that he is not the one for me.
Have a nice weekend!
Love,
Elyon
Hi Dawn,
He contacted me again and I am back to where I started. But he is acting weird again. He told me that he is going ou of town without his cell phone today…
I didn’t understand that as I don’t contact him unless he contacts me first.
Perplexed!
Elyon
Hi Elyon,
Thanks for your message. Do yourself a favor, let this guy go. Cut off all contact, don’t take his texts or his calls and tell him you’re moving on. He’s playing head games with you. Who goes out of town and doesn’t take their cell phone? Men speak most clearly through their actions, not their words, so go by who’s he’s showing you himself to be.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
And let him go.
Find a guy that wants to be with you and shows you that very clearly.
That’s what you deserve.
Say good-bye and move on… you deserve better :-)
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I felt I need to share this. My website guy appeared to be playing games (and to some extents he is, but I feel unconsciously). I could not merely “let him go.. dump him” because I had a heart felt connection. He will never be more than a friend, and that is OK. But before I could do that, I had to go within and discover what it was about me that I first attracted him, and felt so connected.
I personally feel we need to go to that place in ourselves and observe what it is and is it ours? If we don’t do that, it will keep coming up. To just dump the guy without having an awareness of why he came into our lives to begin with.. will only mean another will show up in his place. To allow us to heal.
My web guy, as it turns out has a depressive illness and I feel also Asperger’s. That explains so much. I also have many, many Asperger’s traits. He reflected those.
I learned so much about myself and who I am through this “relationship” that had I simply dumped him, I would not have.
But I do feel the key is to “learn” from it. And then move on. It is in the learning that empowers us to attract a different sort of person.
In light,
Lynda
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for your message. I couldn’t agree with you more. Whether you take the time after a relationship is over or before it has ended, the most important thing we can do is figure out why we attracted that person and relationship in the first place and what we’ve learned from it. That way we can make sure we’ve learned everything we’ve needed to learn from it. And if we can take it one step further and look for the benefits from all that we learned, even if it was a painful relationship, we will have discovered the true gift and blessings of why the person came into our lives and be able to be grateful for the experience :-)
Much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
Thanks fr your reply. He called me and told me that the reason why he didn’t take his cell phone was because he could not afford to let his manager find out where he was and that he could not switch it off either..reason is because of the different languages that different states use in this part of the country. (The ivr uses the language of the state that we visit whether the phone is switched off or not). He had not inform his manager that he will not be in on the day he absconded. The day before that he’d taken sick leave and the following day was when he went out of town..He is now actually sick and I cannot help but contact him as I don’t think that it’s appropriate to ignore him when he is sick. But I call him once in a while just to check if he is feeling better…I’m also feeling better now and I feel that I could move on now that he’d explained what happened to him. I don’t think that I have any reason not to believe him.. but, yes, I know when I have to close the door. I am moving on but will remain friends with him.
Regards,
Elyon
Hi Dawn,
I need you advice ! I think Im going crazy…
I just broke up with my boyfriend after a year of dating. I believe the main reason was insecurities. I was never insecure, actually, I have a lot of confidence, I am smart, pretty and popular. I always had happy life- I love to meet new people, travel the world and very ambitious. I always surround myself with genuine friends, and coming from a loving family. Im 26 and have been dating constantly in the past 6 years. I always felt like I was a little “better” than my partner, they gave me unconditional love, and the relationship was healthy and both sides were happy. They were always affections towards me, and told me how great we were together. I never had trust issues, never felt an urge to check phone, email etc… and encourage my partners to spend time with their friends as well. My partners were usually around my age, the same life situation, area etc… All those relationship ended from my side, probably after the “love” faded (or it wasn’t as convenient anymore). I am still in friendly touch with most of my exs, and they seem to give me confidence. I never saw myself as “the crazy girlfriend” and was sure that I just had it with men.
My last relationship (ended last month) was totally different. I broke up with my boyfriend after a year and a half. I moved to NYC and my ex was my first boyfriend there. He is 5 years older than me, very successful and extremely popular. He has amazing personality, very smart and talented, business man and extremely friendly. He knows tons of people in the city, keep in touch with old friends around the country, and has “close” guyfriends circle of maybe 30 people. He also has a lot of girlfriends (that he insist that are all platonic). He is heavy guy, but doesn’t seem to have insecurities about his look. He loves to travel the world and enjoy every game\show\new attraction in town. He come from a very wealthy family and never had “worries” in his life. Before we started to date I heard from couple of people that he was a “player”\ “bad boy” – and he himself told me that years ago, he used to pretend like he is in a relationship and just take a girl “by his side” until replacing her with another. When I asked him about it, he says that he used to do it when he was younger, but there was no substance and that he is looking to enter a good and healthy relationship.
Our relationship was amazing in the first 6 months. We were always happy, always together, and shared everything. He always told me he loves me, insist to bring me around his family and friends, invited me to his apt and life and start speaking about future. One day I was checking his email (for the first time) and I saw couple of pictures of him and his friends surrounded by pretty girls in some night scene in NYC. I looked further more and I saw some emails with girls… non of them were “bad” but all very flirty. Since then, it was like a switch in my head- and from a loving happy girlfriend I became paranoid spy. I directed all my focus to “find out” what is his deal. I started to convince myself that he is tricking me like he was tricking the others in the past.
Every time he told me something, I thought of a cover story in my head of what are his real intentions. I became obsessive with checking his personal information. From a healthy confident girl I became “crazy bitch” as his friend once called me. I drove myself to insanity thinking how come that Im not good enough for him. I got skinnier, bought expensive dresses, became involved with social events in false attempts to gain his “approval” (approval was always there, I never saw it). The “better” I got, the more insecure I felt. For the first time in my life I felt not pretty enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough, not wealthy enough… just not enough.
Everytime I came around his friends I was checking the girls, the guys… I had terrible mood swings and I started to “call him out” on everything he did, and really became needy, clingy and snappy. He didnt seem to mind it, always denied what I was accusing him for. Every thing that I told about a girl, he made me feel silly for even bringing the subject (“she is just a friend!” “she used to date my friend…” “we went to highschool together” etc). I got to a point that everything he said sounded like a lie to me. I wasnt happy anymore and cried often without a reason. I felt like my relationship is a never ending PMS. He kept telling me “I love you its all in your head, I want you to be the mother of my kids” …. and I couldn’t stop thinking of how he probably wants me to raise his kid at home, while he is partying with his friends all over the world.
His dad is very wealthy and got married to a “pretty” obedient women. I am very strong women and secretly always criticized this relationship. I started to feel like he is trying to control my life and make me like his dad’s women. All those insecurities were running in my head for couple of good months, until I woke up one morning and broke up with him. He is devastated and trying to stay in touch with me with every possible way.
Even that we are not together I cant stop myself from thinking “probably he is replacing me with a model”… or… “why did he called me now, is his date is over?” I really think it drove me to insanity.
Dont get me wrong- I have very busy schedule myself, I have many girlfriends, and I “allowed” him to do his thing all the time. Even that he was not as “warm” as the others, I never doubted his love. It was just all this crazy lifestyle, and girls around and “players” friends- that kept me on my toes.
Is the problem is with me? Do I have to keep dating a “lower” partners than me in order to feel good and confident?
Is it some kind of perfectionism?
Is the problem is with him? (having care free life with million friends around constantly)
Should I cut ties with him? Should I work on my insecurities and give it another shot?
I think that those fears won’t leave my head even if we will try to give it a try. I think that the idea of “he’s manipulating\ lying\ denying” will always be in the back of my head.
Please give me one of your amazing advices!
Hi Netaly,
Thanks for your message. Wow, you have been playing a lot of head games with yourself, haven’t you?
It can be silly sometimes the head games we play with ourselves when our insecurities get the best of us, as yours did in this relationship.
My suggestion would be to first do some work on yourself alone. Re-build your self-esteem. Find a good coach or therapist to work with to help you sort through the mass of emotions and concerns you’re feeling.
I don’t know if your boyfriend was telling the truth or not and if you really had any valid concerns for feeling insecure, but what I do know is when you’re feeling insecure about yourself, it’s impossible to have a healthy, positive relationship with any man because your insecurities are running the show.
Spend some time on your own for awhile getting clear about your life and what you want.
Stay in contact with this man if you want and tell him you need to take some time for yourself to figure out exactly what it is you want in life… that may or may not include him. Only you will know.
I would encourage you to read one of the books I have listed on my Resources Page, Nathaniel Branden’s The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.
I think right now it will help you tremendously to get your life back on track.
Take a deep breath. Slow down. Spend some time on your own. And then make a decision about what you want to do.
And find someone to talk to about all the emotions swirling around.
It will help give you some clarity about what you want and who you are.
From there, you’ll know what the right thing is for you to do and you’ll be able to find the love you’re looking for… and that you deserve. I don’t know if it will be with this man or not. Only you know what will feel best for you.
But first you have to get clear about your own feelings and yourself.
Then you can move forward into a healthy, loving relationship with the right man for you :-)
All my best and much love,
Dawn