Thank you for all your comments on my last post, Why Good Men Leave & How To Keep It Happening To You.
I love getting your responses and it reminds me of how lucky I am to have such brilliant and intelligent readers.
I appreciate you all so much.
I did respond to each of your comments, so if you left a comment and want to read my response, just click here.
Your opinions really went from one end of the spectrum to the other.
I could relate to them all, having been in almost every position myself at some point or another in my life.
When my male friend said he broke up with his girlfriend, because she changed once they’d been together for a few months, I started remembering the ways I used to change once I got into a relationship with a man.
I spent a good number of years needing a man to validate me and make me feel loved.
As long as I had a man and a relationship, I felt good about myself.
But that need to have a man in my life didn’t do such a great job of sustaining relationships.
It took me a long time to learn in order to have a great relationship with a man I first needed to have a great relationship with myself.
Here’s what I discovered…
When I stopped trying to build my life around a man…
Realized having a great relationship was only a PART of having a great life…
Stopped basing my happiness on men and my relationships, or lack thereof…
My life shifted drastically… for the better.
I no longer gave up everything else the minute I got involved with someone.
I no longer made the man I was seeing the sole focus of my life.
I no longer needed a man to make me feel complete.
I loved having a man in my life, but I didn’t need him to make me happy.
I was already happy.
Here’s what was fascinating.
The less I needed a man in my life, the easier it became to attract men.
There is nothing more magnetic to a man than a woman who is happy, secure and confident in herself and in her life.
This is the art of feminine energy.
By staying centered in my feminine energy and letting a man be a part of my life, I learned I could give a man his personal freedom, without feeling needy, insecure or desperate.
Giving a man his personal freedom required not only that I trust the man, but also that I learn to trust myself.
I trusted if the man I was with didn’t step up to the kind of relationship I ultimately wanted, I could let him go.
There is no point in trying to change a man, or convince him to do something he doesn’t want to do.
It just doesn’t work.
You end up with a man who either leaves, or resents the relationship because he feels pushed into doing something.
Leaving was the option my friend chose when he felt his girlfriend was pushing for more than he was ready for and starting to depend on him for her happiness.
Men don’t want to be totally responsible for a woman’s happiness.
They want to be part of what makes her happy, definitely.
Good men love to make women happy.
But they don’t want to be the only thing responsible for her happiness.
It puts way too much pressure on the relationship.
Being happy in my own life was the key to sustaining a great relationship with a man, because it allowed me to let go of my fear and insecurity.
When my fears and insecurities were running the show, I was doomed. I would try to control the man and the relationship, so I’d feel more secure and better about myself.
But the truth is nobody can make us feel better about ourselves.
We have to do that on our own.
But once we do, the world of good men and great relationships completely opens up to us.
You deserve to have the man and relationship you’ve always wanted.
It starts with you feeling good about yourself.
KNOWING in your heart you deserve a great life AND a great relationship.
Now go get going on that amazing life of yours and KNOW your really great guy is on his way to you.
Here’s a special comment I wanted to share with you from a woman who has learned this lesson well. :- )
Hi Dawn,
Many thanks for your support of my post, and being a general blessing and inspiration.
Relationships are one of the few things that they provide a guidebook of instructions for. A lot of it is trial and error. I first noticed in my twenties that the men would come flocking to my side pretty much the minute I said: “I’ve had it with men!” but not just said it, meant it, and that’s a huge difference. That was my first sign of what worked, and what doesn’t. When I wanted a man, they would never appear. Finally I just put some faith and trust into the universe and God that I would be fine no matter what, as I was, whether alone or not. And that’s when the sun began to shine for me. Now it’s me doing all the choosing, being very selective and picky with a whole bunch of suitors that just keep on coming my way :-) Happiness and confidence really starts when you don’t just talk about it, but when you actually start to believe it – that you are fine alone, you can stand on your own two feet and don’t depend on another human being for your internal happiness. Thanks again, Dawn!
Love,
Angelica xxo
Leave me a comment below and let me know what your thoughts and feelings are… I’d love to hear from you!
With much love,
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Well, my “let’s get together when I have time” guy, is likely just going to remain a friend. He still is working on his site.. I ran my dramas about us every couple of weeks or so.. until we finally agreed to just be friends. Now i do realize for him, this is his way of keeping me around if and when things change for him. The difficulty for me, is that he managed to really touch my heart. He gets me. I get him, unlike any other woman has. But I am moving on. And if I am still unavailable if he can stop running from love… then who knows?
I do have a question though. Perhaps someone should write about “How to Keep a Good Woman from Leaving.”
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for your message and I definitely think you’ve done the right thing. With men, if there are real feelings of love, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. If there aren’t, then they’ll just move on. I think your idea of an article about how to keep a good woman from leaving is a great one! I’ll pass it on to my friend who’s a dating coach for men :-))
Believe me, there will be another man who will ‘get’ you and that you will ‘get’… only this time wait for the guy that’s really ready for a relationship and let him show that to you before you get involved. Take your time :-))
Much love,
Dawn
Dawn,
I just want to say thank you! It seems everytime I open one of your wonderful articles, it addresses what I seem to be going through. You and the women that share their wisdom have helped me so very much.
Love and Light,
Paulette
Hi Paulette,
Thank YOU so much for sharing. I’m so glad my articles and the other wonderful women who have shared here have helped you :-))) It helps to know you’re not alone… and you’re not.
Stay in close touch :))
Much love,
Dawn
Hi Dawn,
I just wanted to say that I feel honoured and proud that you featured my message in your blog as an example of a woman who has learned well :) Thank you.
I have learnt so much through dating loads throughout the last decade, to the point of weariness. I still haven’t found my ‘mr right’, but I am at least managing to ‘retain my own’, stay on my compass, and not settle for second best – in treatment or otherwise. Good things come to those who wait, is a worthy phrase. It is my belief that in relationships, women should learn to walk the ‘road less travelled’, that is to walk the road alone until something genuine and soul-affirming comes along (which it will, but only with patience). Something that leaves no room for doubt in the hearts of both parties. There is too many women ‘clinging’ to dysfunctional relationships, or relationships that have soured beyond repair from time ago, they are, for want of a worthy phrase, ‘flogging a dead horse’, wringing the last droplets of life out of a flagging and dead relationship, or accepting crumbs, all because they don’t want to be alone – completely alone. Their ego is hungry and needs to be constantly satiated by another human being instead of finding inner fulfillment within themselves. I find it sad, because then they wonder why they can’t sleep at night, and why they become crazy and obsessed over that person. Let it go! Breathe, stop acting obsessed, it’s too much energy that doesn’t need to be consumed…I think the book ‘he’s just not that into you’ is a must-read for every woman, and as soon as a woman’s daughter is of dating age, the book must be handed down to them :)
The other little tip that was the best one I had heard in some time, came from a Singaporean lady who really seemed to have such power in relationships. She said that one of the most powerful indicators of a successful, long-term relationship is if the guy likes the girl slightly more than the girl likes him. I find this to be so true, in observations, real life cases and general experience. Too often the average girl goes for the very cute and popular guy that barely pays her an inkling of attention, hoping one day she will conquer him, and all he ends up doing is running rings around her, ignoring her or taking her for granted. If a woman wants to be put on a pedestal, she generally has to accept somebody slightly below her parr, somebody she is attracted to still, but ignites something in him which makes him want to work for her and put her on a higher level of respect. Some may disagree, but these are just my thoughts for now…
Love and blessings,
Angelica xxo
Hi Angelica,
Bravo, dear heart! You’ve got it figured out :-))
It was truly my pleasure to feature your comments as part of my blog post.
Thank you so much again for your comments and for your heartfelt thoughts.
I’m thrilled to have you comment on my blog as often as you like and so happy and grateful you’re one of my most brilliant readers :-)
With love, blessings and appreciation,
Dawn
Hello,
Sorry I just could not help but respond to this. Why are we “settling” for anyone who is not an equal? Have we not come further than this in the year 2011?
I very much disagree with some of the comments.
I am still waiting for “what make a good woman leave?” I will send that to my “all things take time” guy who wants a relationship all on his terms.
Lynda
Hi Lynda,
Thanks so much for your comments and I appreciate what you’re saying. I think we can be with an equal partner and should be, but I think what Angelica is referring to is we see so many women who put more value on the man and the relationship than is reciprocated and it results in a very uneven and unequal relationship. I’m sure you’ve seen this as well. Men value what they have to work for and if a woman doesn’t place enough value on herself to be seen as a valuable commodity, the man won’t place any value on her either.
I’m not talking about playing hard to get, but I do think a woman needs to be involved enough with her own life that she’s never sitting around waiting for a guy. If she is, she either needs to find a new guy or get a life going for herself.
Way too many women let the relationship be determined by the man they’re with rather than having their own standards and then determining whether or not the man they’re with is the right one. As women, if we find a guy we like, we have a tendency to forget about valuing ourselves and our desires enough and tend to settle for whatever the guy is willing to offer.
Why not see what the guy is willing to offer and if it’s not up to your standards and what you want, let him go and move on?
I think that’s all Angelica was trying to say.
We sometimes build our lives around men who may or may not be worth it. And men pretty much show us who they are by their actions. Everyone shows us who they are by their actions. And we teach people how to treat us by our actions and what we’re willing to put up with. So if we’re willing to put up with crumbs, then that’s what we’ll get, crumbs. But if we’re willing to hold out for more and not settle for crumbs, and be happy with our lives in the process, then we’ve got a good chance of attracting what we want.
If a relationship and a woman are important to a man, he’ll make her important in his life and put forth the time and energy it takes to make the relationship work. Especially if he knows that if he doesn’t, he’ll lose her because he knows she’s a valuable woman.
Unfortunately, a lot of women tend to hope that a man will change. That he’ll somehow start to value her and the relationship if she just does more, or is more understanding, or waits until he has more time.
It doesn’t work that way. If men value something, believe me they’ll find the time and energy to devote to it.
Ever seen a man who’s an avid sports fan? He’ll move heaven and earth to be able to watch the games that are important to him.
And that’s what you want in a partner. A man who will move heaven and earth in order to be with you and make you happy.
And that’s also exactly what you deserve :- ))
No apologies necessary. I love getting your comments and hearing from you, so PLEASE keep them coming!
Blessings and much, much love,
Dawn