“How do I overcome this fear of being hurt again?” my client said to me.
“I’m tired of being alone. But I’m afraid. I don’t want to go through this kind of pain again. How do I trust a man not to hurt me?”
Hmmmm. I understood all too well.
I’ve been there. I think we’ve all been there.
We go through a painful relationship and breakup, then have to deal with the aftermath of our fears that threaten to overwhelm us and override our desire for a new relationship, keeping us alone and stuck in the fear of being hurt.
Our fears can be the biggest hurdle we face in finding the right relationship.
We want a wonderful man in our life, and yet we’re afraid to move forward out of fear of being hurt.
And we’re afraid NOT to move forward out of fear of being alone the rest of our lives.
Not a happy scenario.
So how do we move past our fears and be wiling to take a chance on love?
How do we learn to trust again?
There is a way.
I had a client recently who had been in a very painful relationship when she was younger.
For years afterwards, she didn’t date or get involved with anyone because she was so afraid of getting hurt again.
She was finally ready to have a relationship, but her fear of being hurt was keeping her stuck.
During our session, I asked her a question that helped her set aside her fears…
“I know how much you were hurt in that past relationship,” I said with true understanding. “But…are you the same girl today as you were back then when you got involved with that man?”
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
“Well…no…not at all…,” she said with a growing realization in her voice.
“Of course you’re not,” I said. “You’re not who you were back then. You’re someone who knows better. You would not attract that kind of man or relationship today.”
“Oh…I get it!” she said.
She finally understood. She was no longer the unhappy, insecure girl she had been when she was so hurt by a man who was completely self-involved and controlling.
Now she had a career she loved and a life filled with great, supportive friends she adored. She was secure and confident about who she was and her future. She was happy in her life.
She would never get involved with the type of man she had in the past. He wouldn’t have a chance with her and she wouldn’t be attracted to him.
The moment she realized this, she was able to let go of her fears about dating and having a new relationship.
If you’re struggling to move forward in your love life because you’re afraid of being hurt like you may have been in the past, let me ask you the same question…
Are you the same person today as you were when you got involved in that painful relationship?
My guess is not.
The you that was is no longer.
You’re not the same person now as you were before.
You’ve grown. You’ve changed. You’ve learned.
You would not attract that same man or relationship today.
Does that make sense?
So let go of that old fear of being hurt like you were before, because that’s not who you are anymore.
You’re a girl who knows better. And when we know better, we choose better.
You would make a different choice in a man now.
And the fear of not trusting men not to hurt you?
Well, the interesting thing about fear of not being able to trust men, is that it’s not really about not trusting men.
It’s about not trusting yourself.
A few things happen when you learn to trust yourself…
You trust you’ll make the right choices about who you allow into your life.
You trust that even if you do make a temporary wrong choice in a man, you’ll be strong enough to let him go and move on if he’s not the right guy for you.
You trust that even if you do get hurt in a relationship, you know you’ll be okay.
It’s really not about avoiding getting hurt in the future. There’s always that chance in any relationship.
It is about trusting that no matter what happens you’ll be able to handle it.
It is about trusting yourself to honor what’s right for you and what isn’t.
You deserve your trust.
And you’ll soon meet a man who deserves your trust too.
So set aside those old fears.
Don’t let your fears stop you from taking a chance on love.
You are worth it. And so is love.
Any fears holding you back or keeping you stuck?
Sometimes just sharing our fears opens the door for us to release them. So feel free to share any fears you might have by commenting below, okay?
And hopefully it will help you let them go once and for all. :-)
Until next time…
With much love,
Dawn
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Dawn,
Wow!
What a great question you asked your client.
It unlocked a whole new way of thinking.
Such a great result, from just one question.
I have been thinking of the understanding I have achieved in our coaching work. It has been so helpful, and I intend to come back for more, as I wrote in the mail I just sent.
When I read your blog, I thought I would let you know how much I appreciate what you do.
Lots of love,
Constance
Constance dear heart,
As always, thank you so much for your wonderful comments.
I SO appreciate YOU!
Thank you so much again.
With much, much love,
Dawn
Women take on so much and blame themselves for so much that isn’t true.
Forgive yourself and love yourself.
I have loved 2 men, and both died on me. It\s not that I am hurt by this, but I am not going to allow this void back in my life, because I have been there, done that, and have 2 Tshirts to prove it. I am rushing towards 60, so a man is not a requirement, and I have my male and female friends.
Hi Gale,
Thank you so much for sharing. I agree with you completely. Women take on way too much at times. And the way to any healthy relationship with yourself and anyone else, is to start with loving and forgiving yourself :-)
Sounds like you’re in a great place in your life and I’m so happy for you!
Stay well.
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
It is funny how when I have doubts creeping in my mind, your blog somehow provides the answer that I was longing for. I have been cheated on, not once but twice in past relationships. Then again, you are right, I was much younger back then, more naive, more ‘submissive’ and accepted the cards that were dealt to me. Most of that came from my upbringing, ‘we are supposed to accept the good and the bad, for better or for worse’ I can hear my mother say.
Now 20 years on, I have a great career which is challenging and satisfying, I have made my own way in this world, I can stand on my own two feet and certainly do not need any validation from a man or from anyone that I am worth my weight in gold! I look back and it is so true, I was 19 yrs when I fell in love with the wrong man and no matter what he did to me, I accepted it, I needed him to love me and was grateful for the rare moments of joy we would have together because for the most part, we were always arguing. I was a real ‘doormat’. Today I will not put up with such treatment and vow never to put myself in that situation. I am stronger, confident, happier in my own skin and know that i deserve better and if I can’t find it in one man, then I am strong enough to let him go and move on with my head held high. I will never let a man treat me with disrespect again. I am too good for that. I respect myself too much for that now.
It did take me ages to learn to believe in love and trust again. My fears held me back and I refrained from getting involved for many years. But I knew deep down that I didn’t want to be alone and I need to take that leap of faith and let someone in, let love in. I am more assertive in what I want. I don’t want to just settle. The fact is I am happy within myself. And a good man just complement what I already have. A nice home, great job, awesome family and friends, a fantastic 15 yr old daughter who loves me to bits and looks up to me, my life is great and a good man just makes it better.
Thanks Dawn. Once again your words of wisdom hit the mark and gave me the added assurance that I need at times when old uncertainties come creeping in….I am now with a wonderful man and it has been a challenge to trust again but he is so kind, patient, loving and willing to talk and work through any worries that I do have at times. I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I have been through hell and back in previous relationships and I know that I will bounce back. But right now, I want to think positive and really enjoy having him in my life. I never thought I would fall in love again…:) It is a great feeling and propels me forward….
With much love
Marie
Marie,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and comments. Your story is a wonderful inspiration that finding love after a challenging past can absolutely happen when we learn to trust ourselves and then also trust in a man who’s worthy of our love. I’m so happy for you and you deserve the relationship you’ve found. You built a great life for yourself and from that place of strength, you attracted a wonderful man.
Just keep taking it in and knowing you deserve everything good… and it will just keep coming :-)
And please stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing :-)))
With much love,
Dawn
I’m in a relationship that I did feel was the best I’d ever had. However he is in alchoholic anon and when her works his programme things are fantastic but he has slipped quite a few times and becomes a man who I would not choose to be with. Although saying that I do choose to be with him as I believe the true him the sober him is the man of my dreams. I do trust myself and know that if it doesn’t work out and that if he goes back to alchoholic I will leave. I’m happy within myself but I wonder if I’m not quite there by staying with a man where ther isn’t a guarantee of sobriety. Does this keepe insecure???
Hi Joanne,
Thanks for your message. I think everything depends on how the man you’re with is treating you right now. People can change if they want to. Alcoholics can stay in recovery and as long as your man does and he’s treating you well, then there’s no reason to leave. However, if he continues to slip and isn’t committed to his recovery, then you need to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and your own life. And that’s where I would encourage you to keep your focus, on your own life. If this man places a priority on you and your relationship, then he’ll choose to stay sober and in recovery. If not, then I think you have your answer.
Focus on taking care of yourself and creating a really great life for yourself and from that place of confidence and security, you’ll be able to make the right decision about any man or relationship in your lie :-)
Stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing. I’d love to hear back from you.
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Hii Dawn
I met someone through internet 2 yrs ago…we did not keep in touch much for the last 2 yrs…the last 2 years I did not know that he was a disabled man….I thought he was a common man….suddenly a week ago, last valentine, he wrote to me that he was interested to know more about me. I thought about it….I just got to know that he is a disabled one, but it did not change my feeling to him so I responded and said ya..why not…the last few days we chatted for hours and hours and all seemed to go well…he told me he liked me, and etc….since he said that words so replied the same…but suddenly he wrote to me that he told me clearly that he sensed I started to think of him as his girlfriend and he stated that he just wanted to know me and not considering me as a girlfriend…due to long distance matter….he was uncertain whether we two can go along in the future…so he clearly stated that I should allow him to know another girls too and once I told him before…jokingly…that if he wanted to know me then he should not keep in touch with other girls…seemed that he refused….
so what to do…? is he worth pursuing or just let it go? or should I stay or leave? thanks a lot
Angie
I wrote to you yesterday and today I got the answer…finally told me that he is not interested to know me…he got closer to me coz he was dumped last month…
Hi Angie,
Thanks for both your messages. I would have told you to let him go anyway, so it all worked out for the best. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with YOU and makes you a priority. It sounds like this relationship had issues from the get-go, so just take a break, recoup, and focus on taking care of yourself. The more you take care of yourself and create a great life for yourself, the more the right man will love and appreciate who you are. Take things slowly and let a man show you who he is before you make any commitments. This way you’ll know whether he’s the right man or not and whether or not he’s trustworthy.
Keep in touch and let me know how you are… and stay well :-)
Much love,
Dawn
Any advice for a girl trying to rebuild a broken relationship? I’m damaged or changed quite drastically from the experience I have had over the last couple years. I have broken trust and low self-esteem within our relationship now and while we have talked and worked through a lot, it feels like the only thing getting in the way now is me and my pride. I don’t want to feel the humiliation and rejection all over again, the thought of making a decision like that and being wrong is so scary.
I want this relationship to be strong and successful for the two of us and for our son. I am choosing, or at least trying to choose, to forgive and forget. It’s a very scary process for me.
I had been very confident in myself as well as us and our family. I was proud, talked about the future and even bragged about how perfect and happy we were. That was swiped from me with one eye opening email from a stranger. I cannot confidentially talk about any of those things now.
The fear I feel stems from my in ability to recognize how bad it was for him the first time. I had no idea he felt half the things he felt and in fact, I am still shocked. I honestly felt so confident about us and everything that I couldn’t fathom him being unhappy. I wasn’t ignorant enough to think we had no problems, but definitely did not sense potential relationship ending scenarios.
I just want to accept and feel the things he says like I did before the deceit. I want trust and confidence because I know I deserve it. I want to feel as happy, as hopeful and as excited for us as I was . I know I can do it, I just need some resources to help pull me along.
Hi Becky,
Thanks for your message. Without knowing everything that happened between you and your partner, the best advice I can give you is to start from a place of honesty and truth about your feelings and his. I’d suggest finding a good counselor who can support both of you in being truthful about your feelings in a safe environment. You say you have talked and worked through a lot, but it sounds like you’re still carrying a lot of confusion and hurt about whatever it was that happened. Until you move on from that, it’s going to be difficult to get back to where you were. And it sounds like he had some undisclosed feelings about your relationship that you were unaware of… those are the things that need to be uncovered and talked about with a counselor you both feel comfortable with.
People do change and it is possible to move on from a hurtful situation, but very often you need outside support to do it so you can both feel safe in expressing your feelings openly and honestly without the fear of condemnation.
A book that I highly recommend that might help you right now is Conscious Love, The Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
The main thing is to be honest with both your and your partner about what you’re feeling and let him do the same. Having that honest discussion is the only you’ll be able to regain your trust and move forward together.
Blessings and much love on your journey! :-)
Dawn
Dear Dawn .i was dating a 42 y/o man,who was the most sweet ,lovely,charming male i have ever met in these past years.
We have an argument and happens that i did not pick up my phone just to avoid more arguments.A chain of text messages started coming to me,there is the fear to read those one by one,what a surprise the lovely,charming,sweet man i was falling in love with,was verbally abusing me via text,the most horrible things i ever heard from a man ,that obviously from anger and maybe some drinks forgot how many times he said he loved me !
I decided not to replay to any and i cried all day,i never responded and i said NO tho that ! now it hurts because i am afraid that some one else will do the same and will break my heart or abuse me again why is that??
Hi Gabriela,
It can be difficult to move on after your trust has been betrayed and your terribly hurt.
The good news is with time, healing can occur and you can learn to trust again.
You just need to focus on yourself and your life, and as you learn to trust yourself again, you’ll then be able to trust men again too.
It’s starts with learning to trust yourself and focusing on creating a great life for yourself so that you know no matter what ever happens, you’re going to be okay :-)
And you will.
Take as much time as you need to heal from this hurtful situation that you went through and focus on taking good care of yourself.
Then little by little, you’ll be able to start trusting again :-) And the right man will come along that will be worthy of your trust.
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Oh wow!! This is the first time I came across this website. I have a fear of moving forward and looking for a healthy relationship. Some days, I am very hopeful about it, but some I just fall back into the familiar pattern because I feel to weak to get myself out of it. It’s a very crippling feeling. Consciously, I know what I want, but I feel like some mechanism in y subconscious mind leads me on the path that I don’t want to walk. I have been living my life day by day scared to even think about the future. Thank you for this blog Dawn. It really gets me through the day.
Thanks so much for your lovely message, Neda!
So glad my writing has helped you :-)
Much love,
Dawn
Dawn,
I’m in a new relationship and enjoy the time I spend with this man. But when I’m alone, my fears of what I don’t know about this man, and possibly being hurt again, are troubling to me and I know I should not be allowing my thoughts to go there! Your comment “It is about trusting yourself to honor what’s right for you and what isn’t” hit the nail on the head for me. In spite of turning my life around completely and learning I am so much greater than I’d ever thought, I realize I don’t trust myself to recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship, since I missed them in the past. I’m laughing (and kind of suprised) at myself as I write this. It’s a rude awakening to realize I’m not trusting ME! Thank you so much! This is exactly what I needed to see.
Hi Terri,
Thank you so much for your message and I’m so glad my article helped you.
Trusting yourself is the foundation for a healthy relationship and being able to trust your partner, sounds like you’ve found the key :-)
Blessings and much love,
Dawn