“How do I overcome this fear of being hurt again?” my client said to me.
“I’m tired of being alone. But I’m afraid. I don’t want to go through this kind of pain again. How do I trust a man not to hurt me?”
Hmmmm. I understood all too well.
I’ve been there. I think we’ve all been there.
We go through a painful relationship and breakup, then have to deal with the aftermath of our fears that threaten to overwhelm us and override our desire for a new relationship, keeping us alone and stuck in the fear of being hurt.
Our fears can be the biggest hurdle we face in finding the right relationship.
We want a wonderful man in our life, and yet we’re afraid to move forward out of fear of being hurt.
And we’re afraid NOT to move forward out of fear of being alone the rest of our lives.
Not a happy scenario.
So how do we move past our fears and be wiling to take a chance on love?
How do we learn to trust again?
There is a way.
I had a client recently who had been in a very painful relationship when she was younger.
For years afterwards, she didn’t date or get involved with anyone because she was so afraid of getting hurt again.
She was finally ready to have a relationship, but her fear of being hurt was keeping her stuck.
During our session, I asked her a question that helped her set aside her fears…
“I know how much you were hurt in that past relationship,” I said with true understanding. “But…are you the same girl today as you were back then when you got involved with that man?”
There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.
“Well…no…not at all…,” she said with a growing realization in her voice.
“Of course you’re not,” I said. “You’re not who you were back then. You’re someone who knows better. You would not attract that kind of man or relationship today.”
“Oh…I get it!” she said.
She finally understood. She was no longer the unhappy, insecure girl she had been when she was so hurt by a man who was completely self-involved and controlling.
Now she had a career she loved and a life filled with great, supportive friends she adored. She was secure and confident about who she was and her future. She was happy in her life.
She would never get involved with the type of man she had in the past. He wouldn’t have a chance with her and she wouldn’t be attracted to him.
The moment she realized this, she was able to let go of her fears about dating and having a new relationship.
If you’re struggling to move forward in your love life because you’re afraid of being hurt like you may have been in the past, let me ask you the same question…
Are you the same person today as you were when you got involved in that painful relationship?
My guess is not.
The you that was is no longer.
You’re not the same person now as you were before.
You’ve grown. You’ve changed. You’ve learned.
You would not attract that same man or relationship today.
Does that make sense?
So let go of that old fear of being hurt like you were before, because that’s not who you are anymore.
You’re a girl who knows better. And when we know better, we choose better.
You would make a different choice in a man now.
And the fear of not trusting men not to hurt you?
Well, the interesting thing about fear of not being able to trust men, is that it’s not really about not trusting men.
It’s about not trusting yourself.
A few things happen when you learn to trust yourself…
You trust you’ll make the right choices about who you allow into your life.
You trust that even if you do make a temporary wrong choice in a man, you’ll be strong enough to let him go and move on if he’s not the right guy for you.
You trust that even if you do get hurt in a relationship, you know you’ll be okay.
It’s really not about avoiding getting hurt in the future. There’s always that chance in any relationship.
It is about trusting that no matter what happens you’ll be able to handle it.
It is about trusting yourself to honor what’s right for you and what isn’t.
You deserve your trust.
And you’ll soon meet a man who deserves your trust too.
So set aside those old fears.
Don’t let your fears stop you from taking a chance on love.
You are worth it. And so is love.
Any fears holding you back or keeping you stuck?
Sometimes just sharing our fears opens the door for us to release them. So feel free to share any fears you might have by commenting below, okay?
And hopefully it will help you let them go once and for all. :-)
Until next time…
With much love,
Dawn
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Dear Dawn,
Wow!
What a great question you asked your client.
It unlocked a whole new way of thinking.
Such a great result, from just one question.
I have been thinking of the understanding I have achieved in our coaching work. It has been so helpful, and I intend to come back for more, as I wrote in the mail I just sent.
When I read your blog, I thought I would let you know how much I appreciate what you do.
Lots of love,
Constance
Constance dear heart,
As always, thank you so much for your wonderful comments.
I SO appreciate YOU!
Thank you so much again.
With much, much love,
Dawn
Women take on so much and blame themselves for so much that isn’t true.
Forgive yourself and love yourself.
I have loved 2 men, and both died on me. It\s not that I am hurt by this, but I am not going to allow this void back in my life, because I have been there, done that, and have 2 Tshirts to prove it. I am rushing towards 60, so a man is not a requirement, and I have my male and female friends.
Hi Gale,
Thank you so much for sharing. I agree with you completely. Women take on way too much at times. And the way to any healthy relationship with yourself and anyone else, is to start with loving and forgiving yourself :-)
Sounds like you’re in a great place in your life and I’m so happy for you!
Stay well.
Blessings and much love,
Dawn
Dear Dawn,
It is funny how when I have doubts creeping in my mind, your blog somehow provides the answer that I was longing for. I have been cheated on, not once but twice in past relationships. Then again, you are right, I was much younger back then, more naive, more ‘submissive’ and accepted the cards that were dealt to me. Most of that came from my upbringing, ‘we are supposed to accept the good and the bad, for better or for worse’ I can hear my mother say.
Now 20 years on, I have a great career which is challenging and satisfying, I have made my own way in this world, I can stand on my own two feet and certainly do not need any validation from a man or from anyone that I am worth my weight in gold! I look back and it is so true, I was 19 yrs when I fell in love with the wrong man and no matter what he did to me, I accepted it, I needed him to love me and was grateful for the rare moments of joy we would have together because for the most part, we were always arguing. I was a real ‘doormat’. Today I will not put up with such treatment and vow never to put myself in that situation. I am stronger, confident, happier in my own skin and know that i deserve better and if I can’t find it in one man, then I am strong enough to let him go and move on with my head held high. I will never let a man treat me with disrespect again. I am too good for that. I respect myself too much for that now.
It did take me ages to learn to believe in love and trust again. My fears held me back and I refrained from getting involved for many years. But I knew deep down that I didn’t want to be alone and I need to take that leap of faith and let someone in, let love in. I am more assertive in what I want. I don’t want to just settle. The fact is I am happy within myself. And a good man just complement what I already have. A nice home, great job, awesome family and friends, a fantastic 15 yr old daughter who loves me to bits and looks up to me, my life is great and a good man just makes it better.
Thanks Dawn. Once again your words of wisdom hit the mark and gave me the added assurance that I need at times when old uncertainties come creeping in….I am now with a wonderful man and it has been a challenge to trust again but he is so kind, patient, loving and willing to talk and work through any worries that I do have at times. I know that no matter what happens, I will be ok. I have been through hell and back in previous relationships and I know that I will bounce back. But right now, I want to think positive and really enjoy having him in my life. I never thought I would fall in love again…:) It is a great feeling and propels me forward….
With much love
Marie
Marie,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and comments. Your story is a wonderful inspiration that finding love after a challenging past can absolutely happen when we learn to trust ourselves and then also trust in a man who’s worthy of our love. I’m so happy for you and you deserve the relationship you’ve found. You built a great life for yourself and from that place of strength, you attracted a wonderful man.
Just keep taking it in and knowing you deserve everything good… and it will just keep coming :-)
And please stay in touch and let me know how you’re doing :-)))
With much love,
Dawn